All The News That’s Not Fit To Print

On a previous blog, I documented my complete and utter fascination with countdowns. I love countdowns. If I were flipping through the channels one night and came across a countdown of the top 10 favorite office supplies of left-handed circus performers, I would probably watch it. (I hope no one at the A&E channel sees this and gets any ideas. This actually sounds like something they would air.)

Anyway, not only do I love to watch top 10 shows or listen to music countdowns, I also like to produce my own. And today, I want to countdown the stupidest news stories I’ve seen in just the past week or two.

But before I get to that, let me rant for just a second. The reason this list is even possible is because we don’t really even have news shows or news websites anymore. We have political leaning, shock inducing, run-it-into-the-ground analyzing, pumping up people who are famous for absolutely nothing fluff. 90% of all news stories are garbage or non-informative at all. Think about the recent bombing. In the hours (and hours and hours) following the event, every major channel switched to people sitting around guessing or accusing their political opponents or finding people who were near the event who provided absolutely nothing new to the dialogue. Why? It accomplished nothing. Yet any news organization in this country that didn’t join this lemming over the cliff exercise would have been considered derelict in their duties. It’s Redonkulous. (Translation: So stupid I had to make up a word to describe it.)

Okay, rant complete. And now, The Top 10 News Stories From The Last Few Weeks That Suggest We Have Not Evolved Much Since The Time OF The Neandrathals, or The Top 10 NSFTLFWTSWHNEMSTTOTN. Now there’s an acronym with a promising future.

10. The Boston Bombers Were Going To Go To New York – Huh? May I ask just a few questions? Did they actually go to New York? No. Were any bombs actually planted in New York? Not that anyone is aware of.  Is the Mayor of New York an over-protective ninny? Well, probably, but that question is completely unrelated to what we are talking about here.

This story was breaking news for every major news outlet in the country. And yet, THERE IS NO STORY!!!! If either one of the brothers ever said they wanted to one day have children and go to Walt Disney World, should we report that as well? Okay, yes, they may have wanted to plant a bomb. But did they? NO! It was shocking, it was scare-inducing, and maybe it belonged in paragraph 14 of a news story about the bombers. It did not belong as a headline splashed across our front pages. That’s just lazy journalism at its worst.

9. Fraudelent Signatures Helped Get Obama On A State Ballot In 2008 – You’ll be surprised to learn I only saw this headline on The purpose of this story? To keep the anger and divisiveness in our nation at all time highs. It serves no other purpose. I mean, do we really think Obama wouldn’t have won the presidency without these fraudulent signatures? As a nation we have got to get over this. This is the same kind of crap that Democrat leaning news organizations pulled for eight years with W. Here is a real news flash: WE ARE NOT THE NCAA! If some obscure violation is found while digging through documents of years past, we don’t rewrite the history books and pretend a presidency didn’t happen. Stories like this do not accomplish anything accept fostering continued resentment that needs no additional fostering. Come on Fox. Be better than that. Leave the bomb throwing to…okay, maybe that’s a bad analogy.

8. Some Weight-Loss Company Is Paying Kim Kardashian To Gain Extra Weight During Her Pregnancy So She Can Lose It All With Their Weight-Loss Program – Admittedly, this is a tabloid headline, but it speaks to bigger problem. WHY DO WE CARE ABOUT ANY OF THE KARDASHIANS?

They don’t DO anything. They have no special talent and they provide nothing to the betterment of our society. I mean, I know this is a little crass, but seriously, the whole family is famous because one of the sisters knows how to have sex while a camera is running. That’s it. And yet, we are constantly force fed every excruciating detail of these parasites’ lives. Just stop already.

7. George Jones Passed Away – Okay, this one isn’t really fair, but I included it mainly because I thought he was already dead.

6. Kate Middleton Shows Off Baby Bump – Seriously folks, leave these poor people alone. This headline isn’t that bad, but it comes on the heels of the infamous “Kate Middleton sunbathing pics”. Pretending to be outraged when this poor woman was photographed in what she believed was a private setting by a photog hundreds of yards away and then writing news stories about how awful this was only kept this embarrassing story alive for about two months. Which is two months longer than it should have been. News stories decrying sleezy practices only give the sleezy practitioners the attention they want. And you know it.

5. Woman’s Car Is Robbed And Her Purse Is Stolen – ….And?

This was the lead, THE LEAD, story on a local Phoenix 10 o’clock news broadcast last night. The reporter explained that this woman had parked her car near a local hiking preserve and “did everything right.” Apparently, doing everything right is leaving your purse in the car, but hiding it really well. I have a couple of thoughts. 1. How about you don’t bring your purse. 2. If you are going to bring your purse, hide it before you arrive at your destination where possibly thieves won’t be watching. But lastly, 3. How is this a real news story?

When Shannon and I were first married, our truck was robbed right outside our apartment. We did “everything right” too, which basically means we locked the car and parked near a street light. But it’s funny, a baseball bat to your side window kind of undoes all of those major precautions. But my point is, this happens everyday, EVERYDAY, in Phoenix and every other city in the world. This is not news. Why doesn’t this channel report on each of the bills being considered by the Arizona legislature that will actually impact each and every Arizona resident. Oh yeah, I forgot. You are a local news program, which means your main job is to scare the tar out of your viewers by completely overblowing the most minor incidents. That, and acting like Hurricane Katrina has hit everytime it rains in the Phoenix valley.

4. Gun Control Bill Hits Snag In Senate

3. Immigration Bill Hits Snag In Senate

2. Senate Resolution Honoring Margaret Thatcher Hits Snag In Senate

How about we report when these yahoos actually accomplish something. I’m so tired of the press giving 24 hour coverage to these petulant children and their tantrums. After all, just like children, attention is all they want. If we withhold it, maybe they would actually do something constructive to get it back. I’m just saying.

1. The NFL Draft – Up front, I am a lover of sports. But this event has gotten out of control. It gets almost as much pre-coverage, post-coverage and analysis as the Super Bowl. And for what? Half of these guys won’t even make it onto the teams that draft them. Who honestly cares if Dufus Hockenstock from Pewter State University runs a 40-yard dash .4 seconds faster than Billy Bob Huckleberry from Alabama? This is the poster child for what is wrong with a 24-hour news cycle whether it be in sports, politics or national news. We forget about what is important and instead, join the hype that is perpetuated by a non-stop media news cycle.

Speaking of blatant Hype, my debut novel, THE RELUCTANT BLOGGER, arrives August 13, 2013. It is available for pre-order now through by clicking here, or, if you live in the Gila Valley, you can pre-order the book at Bookworms Bookstore. Another option is if you have an LDS bookstore in your area, walk on in and request that a copy of THE RELUCTANT BLOGGER be ordered on your behalf. They will appreciate the patronage and I would appreciate the expanded reach. Thanks again to those who read this blog on a regular basis for your patience during this book marketing process.


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